I have been a big brat lately. But with heartbreak, the holidays, and bipolar playing bumper cars in my head, maybe I have something of an excuse.

My emotions are a bull in a china shop. Here is a better metaphor: when I was a toddler, my dad would build a tower of blocks in front of me. After he finished, I knocked them all down with a gleeful laugh. That is how bipolar feels to me. I build something, it gets knocked over. Over and over again. But I keep building anyway. I am stubborn in surviving.

My parents are getting older. They were older when they had me. This has been difficult for them, and I am determined they will never go through it again.

The holidays were hard. The economy is still crappy. Not much room for gifts. I bought my parents a foot bath and a few treats, that was it. A package full of lovely stuffs arrived from relatives in Maine. But it is ok, because Christmas is about Jesus, really. Jesus is love, and the point of the holidays is to be with ones you love. In one way, being with ones I love was wonderful. In another way, not. There is one person I wanted to kiss on New Year’s, and I couldn’t. Bittersweet indeed.

As for him, we are now talking and dealing and healing. I love him, he loves me. That doesn’t go away.

Within the last few days, minus some minor hiccups, I am starting to feel like a regular person again.

I want to be better. I want to love the people around me better. Maybe this isn’t major internal renovation, but one of the ways I express love is through food. I can’t cook for just myself. I have to cook for others I cherish.

When the holidays come around, two things usually happen. My dad receives his beloved turtles, and my mom makes her chocolate fudge. Dad did get some turtles after Christmas, but the fudge wasn’t made. Mom was battling a cold, which she is now almost over.

Dad also loves butterscotch. But he complains that the sauce is frequently too sticky for his taste.

So what did I dream up? A combination of all of the above. I call it my chocolate butterscotch turtle fudge. If this exists elsewhere, I don’t care. I didn’t look it up. I would like to think of it as my idea.

The first order of business was the butterscotch sauce. I sourced the recipe from a pastry chef, Shuna Fish Lydon, here.

I didn’t use dark brown sugar. I used light, and it still turned out delicious. I toasted pecans, crushed them into little bits, and added them to the sauce after it cooled.

Next up was the fudge. The recipe is from the Eagle Brand condensed milk can. Here is the recipe:

Creamy Holiday Fudge

3 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips (we like the ALDI Baker’s Corner brand the best)

1 14-oz. can Eagle Brand Sweetened Condensed Milk

dash of salt

1 1/2 t of vanilla extract

1/2 cup of chopped nuts (which I omitted, of course)

In the top of a double boiler, melt chocolate over hot water, stir occasionally.

Remove from heat and stir in condensed milk, salt, and vanilla (chopped nuts also, if using). Spread mixture evenly in a buttered 8 X 8 pan. Chill two hours until firm. Cut and serve. Cover any leftovers tightly.

I tried an experiment. I dropped some of the mixture into a buttered ice cube tray and the rest on a plate covered in wax paper. I dislike hacking off hardened fudge in a pan, though yeah, you could cut it into pieces before it hardens. We are lazy around here, though. Would it work? Again, someone else may have thought of this elsewhere, but I would like to think it is my idea. Ha.

I spooned the butterscotch-pecan mixture on top. Everything went into the fridge.

The ice cube tray idea did work, with some knife wedging around the edges. It came out so rich I could only eat one piece. ONE PIECE. But the most important thing is Dad gave it his seal of approval. Whoo!!! Mission accomplished.